As I’ve grown and discovered ways of the world that resonate with me, some of the most powerful and comforting ideas were at first unsettling. I guess because they were so different than opinions I’d previously held, however, those opinions were of people and family and culture that I am a part of but that are not entirely me. I realize now that I’d felt so very empty for so very long because I had no connection to me, no conversation with my inner knowing, no understanding of what the heck my life was all about.
Ironically, becoming a mother, having someone else depend on me for everything, is what led me to me and these concurrent actions: those of self-discovery and motherhood, blow my mind every time I think of them.
Why did all these changes happen when I became a mother? Someone close to me reminded me that I was well on my way to self-discovery at the time I became a mother, they just collided and both happened at once. Ah, yes, now that she said it, I could understand. I thought motherhood caused this, for me, but it was multi-layered and even a little bigger than just one thing. The stars had aligned.
There are really no things that I am sure of. I’m always learning, evolving and trying to look inward in an effort to feel more connected to my inner light so that I can in turn help those around me feel more connected and at peace. I change my mind a lot and I look at that as a positive thing – an exercise in flexibility.
This journey towards self made me feel alone and sad at times. But I also find comfort in the fact that I have the power to make the changes that are good for me. I have the strength to be the me that I am here to be. I have the courage to create and express myself because I, and I alone, know what soothes my soul and makes my inner light shine brighter than imaginable. I also find comfort in knowing that every single person has the same power, the same strength and the same courage – so when I am supporting someone through a challenge, knowing this (that they have the power) takes away the helpless feeling that creeps up at times because you can’t make changes for other people, only they can.
I’m so grateful for every path in my life that has led me to here and so many people through all the years that have encouraged me to be me. I realize that without them, I’d still be lost without a map. I have my inner map now and I continue to wander.